I am weak. I get easily overwhelmed. Sometimes, the times when I should be doing the most, I freeze.
I guess you could say I freeze under pressure. I hate it, but it happens.
And there seems to be way to many things that stress me out. Sure, there’s big things, but it’s all the little things too.
Having to look after my finances – trying to figure out how to get debt-free, how to save for a house, how to be responsible, not spend too much on things that aren’t essentials… figuring out what the best insurance or investment decisions are… that stresses me out.
Having to work two jobs – even just part time, and then still figure out meal plans, and grocery shopping (especially on a budget), then cooking, then laundry and trying to keep everything clean… that stresses me out.
Trying to communicate clearly at work, state clearly what I need or think should be done… that stresses me out (I find it so much easier to let things slide or just say yes, than to contradict anything someone else says).
No matter what happens, no matter how much I manage to do… there’s always room for improvement. It always could have been done BETTER.
I bought a mattress a little while ago… I really like it, but I’m concerned I spent too much on it, more than I should have. I don’t know anything about mattresses though, I’m not an expert.
I had to get my dog a haircut. I went to the wrong place, spent WAY more than I should have… I had no clue… I’m not an expert, I didn’t know how much time I needed to spend calling places asking how much it would cost… then you want a place that’s actually going to do a good job.
Am I supposed to be an expert on everything? I feel like I should… how else am I going to make sure I don’t make the wrong move?
I don’t know… I feel such pressure to try and do everything perfect… I feel like if I don’t, if I don’t make the right decisions all the time, it’s a horrible thing.
I feel like if I mess up, it will be the end of the world.
Which is stupid, I’m going to mess up. I’ve done it before, I will do it again. Goodness, I do it all the time. I don’t think I’ve ever managed perfect, no matter how much I’ve tried.
I try so hard to do things right, and I can’t do it. It’s just not possible. It’s not. I have to be able to make mistakes.
I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to be okay with not being perfect.
How stupid is that? Anyone who knows me knows I’m not perfect (goodness, anyone whose seen the state my apartment is usually in is already certain)… so many situations in my life have PROVED that I’m not perfect… why does it bother me so much to admit it? Why am I so afraid of failure??? I’ve experienced it before and survived.
This is ramble-y, and it has no point… except that I may be done trying to be perfect. I may be done trying to please everybody. I’m done trying to please you.
I want to be at least. Hopefully I have the strength to do so – to give up perfect – to admit my overwhelming weakness. I love the idea that it takes strength to admit weakness. How ironic.
I’m pretty sure if I can manage it, I will be a better person. Maybe not in everyone else’s eyes, but it would count where it needs to.
I feel like I’m being molded. Broken – broken by things that would not be an issue to a better person. I guess maybe to help me BECOME that better person. I don’t know – I do know though, that writing this has reminded me to try to give in to the process.
I can’t be perfect, but I can surrender. Surrendering is something I’m actually pretty good at – I just have to remind myself to surrender to God and his plan instead of circumstances.
Apologizes to the random web-surfer that stumbled across this. Welcome to my process, it likely doesn’t make much sense, but I’m hoping by the end of all things, I will be a beautiful creature instead of just a helpless blob.