Motherhood

I have no idea how regular Mommy-bloggers do it. When in the world do you all find time to sit down and type? Like really?? I admire you all just for typing stuff out, and doubly more for it making sense and contributing wisdom to the electronic universe!

As I mentioned before, I am now a Mom to a beautiful 4 month old and it is now a BIG part of my life. For those of you to whom these terms mean something, I am a cloth diapering, part-time co-sleeping & ECing, wannabe baby-wearing Mom. When you become a Mom, or when you know you are going to become a Mom, at some point panic ensues and you have NO idea how you are going to do it. Then you learn a little bit more about what different people say you should do and you have even LESS of an idea what you should do 🙂 But then through a little bit of trial & error, a fair bit of trusting your instincts… You get the hang of it. Or at the very least you get the hang of the fact that every time you get the hang of it something is going to change. But hey, what do I know? I’ve only been at this for 4 months.

However, I do know that just as my life has gone through a bit of a transformation so too will this blog. I’m still hoping to write posts about faith, church etc but I will also be posting about other things affecting my life – motherhood included. So, if you are used to me trying to sound all intelligent, insightful and philosophical know that those posts will still exist but be warned that I might also talk about things like sleep-deprivation and poo as well. 🙂

Until Next Time!
V

Without a Guitar?

Here’s some food for thought for you…. what would your church service be like without music?

Would you like it? Would you hate it? WOULD IT MATTER?

I was having a conversation recently with my Dad (a pastor) about the current model of church, how something obviously needs to change, how it’s far from the New Testament church blah blah blah (I’m sure many of you have heard that over and over and are sick of it etc). I bring it up solely because our conversation took kindof a fun turn that I wanted to share with you all.

I brought up the fact that I find it so funny that there are so many churches that CLING to having music for “worship” in their churches, which is especially befuddling in those churches that do not have anyone particularly musically talented. The result tends to be a particularly stressed church staff and/or volunteers… and lets be honest, sometimes a painful audio experience for the congregation.

And I always wonder why. Why do we cling so much to this model? It is my belief that church needs to be about the gifts that the people in your church have and giving them an opportunity to use them, NOT about desperately trying to fit a model.

My conversation with my Father ended up going a bit like this at the end:

“I mean, just think about it, if church is supposed to be meeting together with other believers, it’s kind of like hanging out with friends.  I mean, I know that I have had good times with friends who play guitar and they pull out the guitar and sometimes we could start singing, but it’s not like when I’m hanging out with friends and none of us a musical we are all upset that we aren’t singing & playing music”

{laughing} “Yeah, how many people go ‘But it’s just not hanging out if we don’t have a guitar, we NEED a guitar, maybe we should hire someone to hang out with us so we can have a guitar-player.”

Honestly, we found it way more amusing than it seems here in print but I cannot tell you the amount of times I have seen churches stress about their “worship” program when really they mean their music program. They scramble to have volunteers, they waive their leadership standards just so they can use someone with some musical talent, they make someone’s musical ability one of the main factors in whether they will hire them or not…. all because they think that it will make or break the “worship” that happens at their church.

Does that not seem weird to you? Why do we cling so much to a model that even if it would not naturally fit with the talents specific churches have we still expect the churches to have it?

Why do we not just meet as the people of God and let our ‘models’ flow out of the unique gifts present in that church body?

I’m not suggesting we should all go to church tomorrow and insist that we scrap the music program… I’m just saying maybe it would be a good thing if we started thinking more about what people’s natural gifts are. What can YOU offer the church? What can the person who sits two rows in front/behind of you contribute? Often times people feel like church has to look a certain way and they do not have anything that will help it become that perfect church. My suggestion is that maybe the more we focus on being ourselves, (the ourselves God designed us to be) and helping others be who God designed THEM to be (not you, big difference), our churches will become even more beautiful that we could imagine.

Thoughts?

Doubt Me If You Will

You’re not going to believe me, but I honestly, truly have a good excuse for not having updated in a while.

In the last year I have left 3 jobs, moved 4 times and became a mother.

If that’s not a good excuse I don’t know what is!!!

Identity

A few days ago a conversation developed on my Facebook newsfeed about loving people even when you disagree with them. The phrase “Agreement and acceptance are two very different things” caused a little bit of a reaction, with some suggesting that disagreement about something vital to a persons identity could NOT happen at the same time as acceptance.  Obviously there is a lot of stuff to unfold there, but one of the things that one of my friends took away was the question of what actually does make us who we are? What actually is vital to a person’s identity?

Having gone through a lot of change in the past couple years I found this question particularly intriguing. Some people answered their job, others their personality, still others their beliefs, or some their family, friends, or relationships to others (“Mom” etc).

For me, I have recenlty realised that my job does not define me. I’ve gone through a few different jobs in the past few years, and though some definitely provided more fulfilment than others, I’ve realised that my job does not make me who I am.  Heck, I thought I’d learned this one already but it’s been hitting home even more in the past few days as I got laid off from my job and likely will not be able to get another one until I go on Mat Leave! Even having a job you hate is different than not working for income! Weird feeling! (but I digress).

As for my family, they do not define me either. Yes, they have contributed a lot to who I am, but that is not where my identity comes from. My husband and I are VERY different people. I love him to pieces, but if someone was going to try and guess at who I was by knowing him… I think they’d be surprised. My parents , who I love dearly, OBVIOUSLY had a hand in who I’ve become but they’ve definitely be able to tell you that there are parts of me that they don’t understand at all. My brother, my sister, my nieces and nephews… they all have an impact on who I am, but they don’t MAKE me who I am. Does that make sense?

It’s made even more complicated by the fact that as humans, we always seem to be changing/growing (or at least the capacity is there).

For instance, there is the beliefs factor. Do our beliefs make us who we are? What if your beliefs change? Does that completely change your identity??

Or your dreams/goals? Are THEY what makes you you? What if they change?

Or you could answer our personalities as some people have… and that makes me think of a conversation my family had one about personality traits and I remember my Mom telling my Dad that he MADE himself become more of an extrovert … suggesting that even those are subject to change as well.

So I tried figuring out who I am without all those things, without my job, my family, my beliefs… what am I? How do I define myself?

I started to think maybe my wit. I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I am intelligent, and I definitely rely on my intelligence. I do not know who I am without it. I am a quick learner, and I’m fairly proud of that fact. But then I started to think, what if even that was taken away? I thought of my grandmother, and then wondered if I got Alziehmers, would that change who I am? Would I cease to be me?

No. I would still be the same person who has impacted my friends and family, with the same successes, the same mistakes.

You see, my Mom even got in on the facebook action of trying to define our identity, saying this “We are the sum total to all our experiences, reactions, genetic make up. Our longing, desires. We are also much more than we know. For who really understands themselves.”

And I totally agree with her! But then again, I don’t believe that a person needs to be defined by their past… so I hesitate to put too much weight on how much our experiences define us. And I’ve already mentioned the fact that our longings can change…

So the biggest part I guess I agree with? We are also much more than we know. Maybe all these things that we try to define ourselves with are just not enough. Maybe we are supposed to be getting our identity from somewhere else.*

Maybe who we really are is a big mix of who we’ve been and who we are meant to be. A mix of the present and the potential. And in that I think knowing what God thinks of us is incredibly important to knowing our true identity. Everything else we try to define ourselves by can be so fluid.

For me, I’ve had too many things change in my life to let anybody but God define me. Even myself. But how about you? What do you think makes you you? What if it was taken away? Who would you be then, and how would you know?

*Also… in the course of writing this I thought of the book Searching for God Knows What. If you haven’t read it I seriously suggest it.

Unanswered Questions

I’ve been trying to decide this week if I’m okay with the unknown.

I’m good with not knowing how/when the world’s gonna end. Pre-trib, Post-trib… I don’t care enough to want an answer, especially since there is no way to know for sure anyway. There is no need for me to embrace a “best guess”.

Yet, I’ve noticed over years of blogging that people frequently want to offer answers. You say you don’t know the answer to something? People offer you their answer. You’re going through a hard time – invariably someone is going to offer you a solution. Everyone seems to be in the business of supplying answers. Perhaps because we feel we are supposed to.

It’s like in our culture, we are terrified of admitting “I don’t know” to the world – or maybe just to ourselves.

Just think about it, what’s the most terrifying thing about someone you know going through a hard time? Not knowing what to say to them! Not having answers, not having solutions for them.

As much as I think I’m okay with not having answers to the “big” questions, I have definitely panicked when faced with situations when someone is sharing something with me and I don’t have answers to offer them.

Maybe we all need to learn how to be okay with that.

Maybe when someone is going through a season of pain, or confusion, or anything really, we need to realise that we don’t have to offer them answers.

I mean, maybe sometimes you have something great to offer from experience, and maybe there are times that you are meant to share. But sometimes, even if it’s something you think you have an answer for, it’s an answer they won’t be able to accept until they discover it themselves.

Have you ever had that moment? When you think someone is being blind and completely missing something that seems so obvious and no matter how hard you try you can’t get the answer into their thick skulls?

Maybe it’s not our place to have the answers. Maybe we’re just supposed to be there for people as they go on their own journeys and find their answers.

I’ve always believed that the things people discover on their own are the things that stick with them.

What do you think? Do you always have answers for people? Do people tend to have answers for you??? Does having or being given “answers” work?

Absolute Truth

There are some people who believe that truth is relative. That there is no absolute truth. I’ve thought about this a fair bit. Can’t quite wrap my head around it. For me, not believing in absolute truth is an impossibility. I believe without a doubt that there is such a thing as truth, and yes, right & wrong.

Recently however I have discovered that though I believe in absolute truth, I am INCREDIBLY wary of anyone who claims to know it.

Now, I still believe in the Bible and I still consider myself a Christian. I’ve just been feeling kind of unorthodox lately. It’s always bothered me that there are so many different denominations, and that they all seem to believe they have some sort of corner on the truth. It just doesn’t sit well with me.

Honestly, it almost feels like I’m experiencing a second crisis of faith. If you grew up with Christianity (or any religion I guess), you may be familiar with the fact that no matter what you were told when you were growing up, you reach a point in your life where you have to look at everything critically and decide whether this is something you are truly going to believe or not.

I experienced that as a teenager, and now it seems that I am experiencing it again… In a whole new way.

My father seems to think it’s because I’ve felt rejected and my response to that is to reject those I feel rejected by. I disagree, though I did consider it as a possibility.

More though, I feel like someone pointed out to me “Hey, maybe you don’t belong here” and it has helped me to see that maybe I DON’T. I feel like I am now in the position where I get to evaluate things that I have always accepted as truth but been uncomfortable with and say “Hey, I don’t think I agree with this!”

Who knows, maybe I’ll come around and end up embracing it all again, but at the moment it doesn’t seem like it.

I’m disillusioned with church, disillusioned with 95% of what is called “Christianity”. I am sick of what seems to be an incredibly self-centered, judgemental, and ineffectual club.

It seems that most often when someone enters a church they are offered a culture and list of rules instead of a powerful God.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are some churches that are different. It just bothers me that I’ve seem more death than life in many of the churches I’ve been to. More judgment and gossip than love and wisdom.

So, right now, I’m on a quest for life. For wisdom, For Love, For more GOD than culture. I believe that Christianity should hold the key to powerful, change-bringing life… And have decided to leave the “box” that I’ve always known it to exist in… Because in the box, it’s seeming pretty dead.

I have a couple quotes that never leave my desktop. One, “Just do the next right thing” the other –

“As long as you, like Abraham, humbly seek, listen and obey God, He’ll take the responsibility to teach you the crucial details, point you towards his Words, and direct you to healthy communities of truth seekers. And slowly, most things will come into focus”

Unfortunately, I no longer remember where I got them from (I think the first is Michael Hyatt the second from the “Frequently Unasked Questions” blog, but I’m not sure).

However, I’m clinging to the truth of the second one. And I’ve definitely noticed that once I stopped limiting where I thought God would show up, he’s showed up in all sorts of places and spoken through all kinds of people. I like having a limitless God who talks through donkeys (Numbers 22) and Angels alike 🙂

Searching

It’s been over 6 months since my last post.

The main reason it’s been so long? I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

NO IDEA.

Life has definitely handed me a lot of changes in the past six months to a year…

Quitting the ministry, two deaths in the family (My Aunt Jan in September and my Grandma the day after Christmas) moving twice er, three times if we are going with the year time frame. With one more move to come!

Oh yeah, and I’m gonna be a mommy in April.

I’m normally pretty good with change, but I’ll admit, all this has definitely been a stretch for me!

Right now I’m sitting in the Toronto airport, ready to fly back to Thunder Bay… Having just flown back to Southern Ontario for my Grandmothers funeral this Thursday.

I’m TIRED. I am very glad I was able to fly down for the funeral, and grateful for the added bonus of being able to see my husband for a few more days (oh yeah, did I mention that until I go on Mat Leave my husband and I are now living in different cities?) But still. I’m tired. Honestly, I think that whole side of my family is tired, so prayers are appreciated.

I had the honor of speaking at my Grandmothers funeral, and as I was writing my little speechy-thing, I realized that my Grandma was a ripple-maker.

Grandma was what you’d call shy, she was never the centre of attention, she would have hated that – and yet, I know that there are people she made a lasting impact on. Even if you only count her kids, they have her fingerprints all over them! They are all some pretty amazing people, and who they are was impacted by who she was. That’s pretty cool.

It’s an interesting thing to think about, especially now as I am looking forward to being a Mom myself… At a time when, for the most part I’m feeling pretty lost and wondering anew what my purpose is.

Anyway, it’s my hope that for the next couple months as I’m preparing for baby’s arrival and my own move (AGAIN) I will have more time to think some things through. Here’s hoping! If I do, I’ll be sure to keep you guys in the process.

Until then… May your own quest for answers in life be fruitful as well!