It’s been almost two months since we left the church we were working at, and it’s been an interesting couple of months. More emotional than eventful, but interesting.
The biggest struggle has been with disappointment. I find myself disappointed in myself, disappointed in others, and disappointed in “church” as a whole.
I spent the first few Sundays after we resigned in bed, enjoying the comfort of my mattress and dreading the idea of ever going back to church.
The dread is slowly ebbing, helped by the church we’ve attended the past few Sundays. I don’t know that there is anything particularly special about it (except maybe for the fact that they still use overheads!) but I feel that it may be a place that I can start to heal – a place that will help me in my journey to find God in a unique way.
Growing up in the churches I did, and then working in churches there was always so much pressure on the way I should do certain things. There was a “right” way and a “wrong” way. What people expected and how I couldn’t disappoint them.
I may be fairly young – though I’m 27 already (yeesh, I remember when 27 year olds had life figured out. 😉 ) but it wore me out.
I want the loudest voice I hear to be God’s, and I found that in some situations the more I pursued that the more nervous and uneasy those around me got. I wasn’t even doing anything crazy, they just seemed concerned I would upset the status quo.
Well, now I’m on a quest TO upset the status quo. No one else’s but my own, but still. I’m not pursuing change simply for the sake of change, I’m just so tired of blahness, of feeling like our own personal rules and traditions were more important than God’s will.
So, I’m on a journey to find his will. I have a feeling I’m going to make some mistakes along the way….
Thing is, at this point, I’m kindof excited about the mistakes. Er… Scratch that. They will probably hurt, and I’m not a big fan of pain… but I’m determined to no longer be scared of making them.
I’m going to run out into the wilderness looking for my Daddy-God, and if I happen to scrape my knees on my quest, I hope at the very least my enthusiasm and longing to reach him will warm his heart.